This is Part #2 in a multi-part series of blogs, all about my life experiences trying to find love, or settlement, in all manner of ways...
A good friend once described me as ‘a seeker’… someone that was always looking for something more. I was always unsettled, always knowing that there was something more - but never quite sure where to find it.
In this blog series I share the various 'life offerings' I explored - looking for love.
A picture of me in 2009, in Cancun, Mexico.
#2 - GLAMOUR
It’s safe to say that after leaving the comfort and security of my religious community, I wasn’t quite sure how to be or how to ‘fit in with the world’. The way the world operated was a stark contrast from how I’d lived up until that point. I found it quite brash and dramatic compared to the relatively quiet existence of a religious life. No longer was I ‘accepted’ for how devoted I could be… there were a new set of rules to be followed that I didn’t yet know.
I looked around me and outside of myself to see ‘how things were done’ and observed how others behaved and lived to determine how I should then behave and live.
Over a period of several years I gradually took on the behaviours ‘of the world.’ I expanded my social circles, involved myself in different sporting groups, made new frendships, took up courses and hobbies… always observing and reading others to determine what was acceptable within society. I learnt what was ‘cool’ and ‘not cool’ and how to fit in with the world.
At one stage, which I once referred to as my ‘hey day’ - I was living in an affluent suburb, I had a wide social network with lots of friends, a successful career managing a business I co-owned, in addition to owning and managing my own personal training business. I was super fit, attractive, had an extensive wardrobe filled with beautiful clothes, and a very active, busy, life filled with café hangs, the latest bars and restaurants and travelling overseas regularly.
On a practical, physical level, I had it all.
From what I had observed and read – this is was what a successful life was. It’s certainly what the world said a successful life was all about. And from an outside point of view, that’s exactly what it looked like.
Yet, something still felt like it was missing. I would now say my self-worth was quite low, I was up and down emotionally, and had warped body image. Further to this, I had waves of feelings of emptiness that I just couldn’t explain.
I knew that everything that I was being ‘sold’ by the world was not it.
In spite of having amazing friends, owning 2 business’ which I loved working in, having a very full life – I was not ‘content’ or ‘settled’.
There was also much to this way of living that left an impact on my body. In hindsight I would say I was living in a lot of disregard. I would thrash my body with exercise – be it from ridiculously hot, sweaty yoga classes, to running marathons, to pumping weights trying to outdo the men. I would trash my body with alcohol – big nights out that were deemed ‘wild’ and ‘fun’ and ‘crazy’. I would indulge and overeat whatever I wanted at cafes and restaurants, with no regard for how that food actually felt in my body. I propped myself up with copious amounts of coffee and sugar, putting strain on my nervous system. I would stay out all night thinking this was ‘fun’. The list goes on….
The long and short of it - the glamorous life did not ‘fill me’.
It did not give me what I was looking for and it did not leave me feeling well, whole, or consistently joyful.